Medication, Depression and Guilt

You want me to bloody to do what? I did not want not injecting that stuff into myself!?!

I hate needles.

Depression, what’s that about? What’s Interferon BETA 1? Why do you have to keep the medicine cold?

I had so many questions and had a difficult time gathering and understanding all the data.

And I had the most annoying headache – it was always there.

The doctors told me, ‘you’re lucky Irene, because this new amazing drug is now available, it called beta interferon 1a, Rebif. This is the strongest and most effective interferon drug for MS.’

I tell you I did not feel lucky. I had my first dose of Rebif and the rotten side effects after administering the drugs hurt so bloody much, the needle site quickly bruised, my body was in so much pain the side effects.

It was like injecting battery acid into my body, I experienced terrible flulike symptoms, fever, shakes, body aches …and could not get to sleep.

And that blasted headache and dam back pain.

After the first full dose administered by the nurses, my handsomest decided to read the leaflet in the medication package and found out that in fact, the correct first dose was ¼ for the first lot with a gradual increase to the full dose.

The side effects

The medicine was fairly hard to deal with, especially the side effects! That included Flu-like symptoms following each injection (fever, chills, headache, muscle aches and pains, malaise and depression. So, I got depressed from the medication, from the diagnosed, from the tremendous pain, and the medication itself. I figured that MS may very well be just this – kind of depressing and painful.

The side effects were SO messed up and the nurses did not have a lot of experience in this medication. I just pumped myself with Panadol, sleeping tables, neurofen, macindal hell whatever I could take to manage the pain and get sleep. Oh yeah, and lots of wine.

Guilt

I desperately never want my husband to see like this. At first, I used to (and still do) have secret places to cry, behind the bed, in the laundry, in the garage, behind the washing machine and still a favourite of mine is on the floor of the bathroom next to the toilet.

He never asked for this in his life and nor did I.

I confess that guilt is my constant companion, I try so hard to hid it, no one asked for this MS and yet it has forced its way in to every  bit of my / our life’s.

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